Self Destruction and other Bloody Games

It is hard to explain to another person what it feels like to look at yourself in the mirror each day and see your eye droop and a scar running through the middle of you face.

People tell you that they can not notice the difference but you can.

I've seen angry people, broken people and odd people with scars. I often wondered if you could see the scars in them, on them. Sometimes, I will double take and realise that they have no physical scar and then I wonder what I saw.

My biggest concern in life is the baggage that I carry and trying to not let me ruin all that comes in the future. Even with each improvement, it feels like trying to use only my body and physical strength to stop an 80 carriage freight train that is committed to its momentum.

Since being mugged, I can not seem to control the anger inside me. It isn't usually aimed at others but is more inward and destructive. Self destructive. It can not be avoided or reasoned with. It can not be placated or understood, no matter how much therapy I do.

This is something that I must get through. It is a monsoonal storm.

All that happens to me is my responsibility. All that I do to others is mine to own. All that I am, I am.

How does one reconcile the breaks they see in themself? How do I know that the scars I see in the mirror are actually physical if others don't notice them? How do I make it through the storm or stop the train or forgive myself for the brokenness of it all?

I don't know the answers. I just keep on keeping on.

Not Seeing Monsters

People are only human. We make mistakes. We do stupid stuff. It is mostly ok if we learn something from our stuff ups.

My aim is to live a life where I fully participate, take the opportunity to leave the world better than when I found it and cause as little pain to others as possible.

2014 was one of those years where I honoured most my ethos. Each year, I am closer to bringing my life to the point I want it to be at.

There is one fate that I seem unable to avoid. I seem unable to see the monsters that walk amongst us.

My biggest learning this year was acknowledging that I am pretty damn bad at telling when someone who is being nice to me is actually wearing a mask over their monster face.

I've had almost a full year to reflect on this and it has helped me to realise that not everyone who is nice to me, has nice intentions.

Yeah, I should know better but I like seeing the best side of people. I like believing they are good when they act good. What I do need to do is watch how they treat others and not just how nice they are to me.

An old friend once told me that someone who is nice to you but not nice to the waiter is not a nice person. That old friend was probably warning me about himself at the time. I wish I'd listened then. Oh well.

2014 was entertaining. 2015 will be brilliant.

I just have to start seeing the monsters before they become scary clowns.

Just a thought

It must be your skin I'm sinking in

It must be for real 'cause now I can feel
And I didn't mind
It's not my kind
It's not my time to wonder why

Everything's gone white
And everything's gray
Now you're here now you're away
I don't want this
Remember that
I'll never forget where you're at

Don't let the days go by

Glycerine
Glycerine

I'm never alone
I'm alone all the time
Are you at one or do you lie?
We live in a wheel
Where everyone steals
But when we rise it's like strawberry fields

If I treated you bad
You bruised my face
Couldn't love you more
You got a beautiful taste

Don't let the days go by

Could have been easier on you
I couldn't change though I wanted to
Should have been easier by three
Our old friend fear and you and me

Glycerine
Glycerine

Don't let the days go by

Glycerine

Don't let the days go by

Glycerine
Glycerine

Glycerine
Glycerine

Black moon white again
Black moon white again
And she falls around me

I needed you more
When we wanted us less
I could not kiss just regress
It might just be
Clear simple and plain
Well, that's just fine
That's just one of my names

Don't let the days go by
Could've been easier on you, you, you

Glycerine
Glycerine

Glycerine
Glycerine

14 Months of Me

Yes, yes, it can be argued that I already live a life that is all about me but this has not actually been completely true.

Over the last few years, I have spent a lot of time building my network and reestablishing my place in my profession in order to negate the depression destruction of it.

This has meant saying yes to other people and for the benefit of other people. I want to refocus on me.

My goal is to continue to extend my knowledge about a lot of things and also keep improving my brain. I want to write more, read more and sleep more alongside getting fit again.

Since the beginning of November 2014, I have put the following actions in to place and intend to continue this until at least the end of 2015. Yes, 14 months.

Now I do these things without fail...

• Get in to bed at 10PM and sleep within 30 minutes;
• Quit Facebook and other useless time wasting activities;
• Continue with my habit of reading one book a fortnight;
• Don't use the Internet after 9PM and before 8AM;
• Say yes to things I've never done before but only if they improve me as a person;
• Write at least one thing every single week;
• Have no more than one night out a week;
• Do at least three sessions of strenuous exercise per week; and
• Only allow acquaintances in my work life and not my personal life.

So far, so good. I have a lot more time for self improvement and to achieve my goals.

2015 will be fricken fantastic! I will accept no less.

I broke up with the Facebook because it just wasn't useful

A week ago, I looked at how I use the Internet weekly, daily and hourly. It looked like this:

• Facebook - hourly in that I at least looked at notifications and would share and post a lot other times;
• Blogger - once a month to post a blog post or two, usually about reading or geek stuff;
• Twitter - daily in order to find articles on topics I care about;
• Google+ - every second or third day to read topics I'm interested in and for sharing interesting articles;
• Flickr - weekly to upload pictures from my life that I want to share with loved ones;
• LinkedIn - every second or third day to find interesting things to read and participate in discussion groups. Also share interesting reading I have found and think others will like;
• Work email - week days at work but not outside work; and
• gmail - once or twice a day max and mainly for dealing with job related stuff.

Then I read a quote from Jason Yip on Twitter that said...

Worry less about "Are my feelings / Is my behaviour justified?"; worry more about "Are my feelings / Is my behaviour useful?".

That one tweet made me stop and reassess so much of who I am and what I currently do. So, I asked myself: When I use the Internet is my interaction useful?

• Facebook - No;
• Blogger - Yes;
• Twitter - Yes;
• Google+ - Sometimes;
• Flickr - Yes;
• LinkedIn - Yes;
• Work email - Absolutely; and
• gmail - Yes.

It took me less than ten minutes to then decide that I would do the following things:

• Stop using Facebook immediately and then delete my account if I didn't use it for 3 months;
• Remove Facebook, Twitter and Google+ apps from my phone and other mobile devices; and
• Log out of Twitter and Google+ and only log in when I explicitly wanted to use them.

For the first two days after stopping using it, I kept coming back to the same feelings and asked myself if the resulting reaction would be useful...

• Should I tell someone what I'm doing or feeling? Yes, but more specific people and not Facebook; and
• Should I check to see if anyone has sent me a message? No, they will contact me on my phone or via email if they need me.

After the initial habit change left me nervous and a little anxious, it all passed. Yes, I still use all the other sites with more intent than I did in the past but I don't use Facebook and I feel no need to.

Later on, I will write a more detailed post about why Facebook has irked me for the last 6-9 months and how that has aided in my persistence to not return. This is not the post for it. Again, would it be useful?

Wish me luck and if you can't find me online, you can find me on the end of a telephone.

The Monogram Murders

Book 21 of 2014 is The Monogram Murders NOT by Agatha Christie but by Sophie Hannah.

This is the first Hurcule Poirot novel that the Christie family has officially approved.

Having read every Agatha Christie novel ever before I was 18, I was very excited about this when I found it in the new books section of the ABC Shop.

Although the story is very much like a Hercule Poirot story, it was told with contempt for the little Belgian detective. Christie described him brutally sometimes but you knew she loved this character. The same love was not evident in this story.

It was ok and did keep me engaged. Each day at work, I'd be looking forward to going home so I could read more of the book. That is a real page turner but not a genuine Poirot page turner unfortunately.

My little great cells give this 3.5 murders in a hotel out of 5.

Should I read this? Absolutely, if you love Agatha Christie's Belgian detective. Let me know what you think.
What did I learn? That criticism can come across for contempt if you don't truly love your character.

The Wizard of Oz

Book 20 of 2014 is from the BFI Film Classics series and is a review by Salman Rushdie of the movie The Wizard of Oz. I'd call this an essay, more than a book but my only criteria to satisfy something is a book is if it looks like a book and quacks like a book.

In 69 pages, Salman Rushdie reviews the movie The Wizard of Oz in a way that has changed, ruined and enhanced my view of it.

He does this as the first part of a series of essays commissioned for a project by the National Film and Television Archive in the UK. This was before DVDs and IMDB and was a way of deconstructing and reviewing 360 classic movies by great minds of the time. When Rushdie looked through the list, he chose Oz as one of his favourite places as a child and decided to write about this movie.

Like anything you love that is deconstructed and discussed, some of the magic disappears but Rushdie's passion for the film and shared discovered facts compensate greatly.

The thing I did like the most was finding that this essay inspired Gregory Maguire's Wicked. I love the Oz world and Wicked continued for me, as this essay has extended it for me.

At the end of this essay, the author writes a fantastical story about the futuristic auctioning of the famous and obviously magical Ruby Slippers from the movie. There is a great quote that seems quite apt in this time...

"We, the public, are easily, lethally offended. We have come to think of taking offence as a fundamental right. We value very little more highly than our rage, which gives us, in our opinion, the moral high ground. From this high ground we can shoot down at our enemies and inflict heavy fatalities. We take pride in our short fuses. Our anger elevates, transcends. 

Salman Rushdie. At the auction of the ruby slippers. 
In: East, West. Vintage, 1995."

I give this a brain, a heart and some courage out of 5. Yes, that's a 3.5.

Should I read this? Read this if you love The Wizard of Oz movie. It would mean nothing otherwise.
What did I learn? Toto was female and her name was Terry.